Derek, Niki and the Boys

Economic Stimulus Payment

2009-01-29T08:53:00.001-06:00

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. No, they are borrowing it from China . Your children are expected
to repay the Chinese.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
"A. Shut up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al
Queda

If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras ,
and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).

; If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea .

If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India

If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan

If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria .

And none of it will help the American economy .

We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in
America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it
on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only
businesses still in the US.

President's Schedule

2008-12-16T06:50:00.000-06:00

President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule

An email sent to me

2008-11-20T12:33:00.000-06:00

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. (waiting for attack)

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either... The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

7. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there's more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

Mustang Ranch

2008-11-19T06:56:00.000-06:00

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch, a legal brothel
located in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 700 Billion Dollars to
a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and
selling booze.

Now, if that doesn't make you nervous, what does?

redistribution of wealth

2008-11-04T06:46:00.002-06:00

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read 'Vote Obama, I need the money.' The guy had more guts than a gut factory sitting there showing his support.....but then...I sat down in the restaurant and my server had on a 'Obama 08' tie, again I smiled as he had given away his political preference--I wanted to get up and leave, but a flash of insight hit me. I stayed. I could not believe it. I am amongst them...of all things just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I would not tip him because I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily cussed me out as a cheap old S.O.B. and stormed from my sight along the way telling the others servers that he just got stiffed by the gray-haired wrinkled old S.O.B. I just smiled and held my Irish Temper.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy a $7.00 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful. At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty damn angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.OR IS IT.........REDISTRIBUTION OF SOMEONE ELSE'S WEALTH IS A GREAT IDEA..............or just a fools game!!

How to explain Obama's tax policy to your kids

2008-11-03T08:38:00.000-06:00

Johnny: Dad, why don't you like Obama's tax plan?
Dad: Well Johnny, it goes like this. Younknow how I always insist that you do your homework and get good grades?
Johnny: Yea Dad, I got straight A's and you bought me a new bike, I like getting good grades, it makes me proud too!
Dad: Well, johnny...if Obama gets elected you're grades aren't going to count. What we're gonna do is take the grades of everyone in the class and average them out and that's going to be what's on your report card.
Johnny: Dad, that's not fair! I work hard to get good grades!! Wht should I get C's just because the other kids are too lazy to study?
Dad: Well, Johnny, he just wants to spread the grades around so it's fair to everyone.
Johnny: Dad, I don't think I'm gonna bother to study my math tonight. It doesn't matter if I get an A or a E does it?

Barry Gibb Rides a Roller Coaster

2008-11-03T08:05:00.001-06:00

Why TAPS is played

2008-11-03T06:52:00.001-06:00

If any of you have ever been to a military funeral in which taps were played; this brings out a new meaning of it. Here is something Every American should know.

We in the United States have all heard the haunting song, "Taps". It's the song that gives
us that lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes.

But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings.

Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men at Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land.

During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention.

Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment.

When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead.

The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army.

The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted.

The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral
dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician.

The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted.

The haunting melody, we now know as "Taps" used at military funerals was born.

The words are:

Day is done...Gone the sun

From the lakes...From the hills....From the sky

All is well .

Safely rest...God is nigh.

Fading light . Dims the sight .

And a star...Gems the sky

Gleaming bright...From afar ... Drawing nigh .

Falls the night. Thanks and praise...For our days .

Neath the sun...Neath the stars...Neath the sky .

As we go...This we know...God is nigh.

Vote!!

2008-11-03T06:39:00.001-06:00

VOTE ON TUESDAY!
FACT: Barack Obama opposes four of the five Supreme Court justices who affirmed an individual right to keep and bear arms. He voted against the confirmation of Alito and Roberts and he has stated he would not have appointed Thomas or Scalia.17
FACT: Barack Obama voted for an Illinois State Senate bill to ban and confiscate “assault weapons,” but the bill was so poorly crafted, it would have also banned most semi-auto and single and double barrel shotguns commonly used by sportsmen.18
FACT: Barack Obama voted to allow reckless lawsuits designed to bankrupt the firearms industry.1
FACT: Barack Obama wants to re-impose the failed and discredited Clinton Gun Ban.15
FACT: Barack Obama voted to ban almost all rifle ammunition commonly used for hunting and sport shooting.3
FACT: Barack Obama has endorsed a 500% increase in the federal excise tax on firearms and ammunition.9
FACT: Barack Obama has endorsed a complete ban on handgun ownership.2
FACT: Barack Obama supports local gun bans in Chicago, Washington, D.C., and other cities.4
FACT: Barack Obama voted to uphold local gun bans and the criminal prosecution of people
who use firearms in self-defense.5
FACT:Barack Obama supports gun owner licensing and gun registration.6
FACT: Barack Obama refused to sign a friend-of-the-court Brief in support of individual Second Amendment rights in the Heller case.
FACT: Barack Obama opposes Right to Carry laws.7
FACT: Barack Obama was a member of the Board of Directors of the Joyce Foundation, the leading source of funds for anti-gun organizations and “research.”8
FACT: Barack Obama supported a proposal to ban gun stores within 5 miles of a school or park, which would eliminate almost every gun store in America.9
FACT: Barack Obama voted not to notify gun owners when the state of Illinois did records searches on them.10
FACT: Barack Obama voted against a measure to lower the Firearms Owners Identification card age minimum from 21 to 18, a measure designed to assist young people in the military.11
FACT: Barack Obama favors a ban on standard capacity magazines.12
FACT: Barack Obama supports mandatory micro-stamping.13
FACT: Barack Obama supports mandatory waiting periods.2
FACT: Barack Obama supports repeal of the Tiahrt Amendment, which prohibits information on gun traces collected by the BATFE from being used in reckless lawsuits against firearm dealers and manufacturers.14
FACT: Barack Obama supports one-gun-a-month handgun purchase restrictions.16
FACT: Barack Obama supports a ban on inexpensive handguns.9
FACT: Barack Obama supports a ban on the resale of police issued firearms, even if the money is going to police departments for replacement equipment.9
FACT: Barack Obama supports mandatory firearm training requirements for all gun owners and a ban on gun ownership for persons under the age of 21.9

1. United States Senate, S. 397, vote number 219, July 29, 2005. (http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/roll_call_vote_cfm.cfm?congress=109&session=1&vote=00219)

2. Independent Voters of Illinois/Independent Precinct Organization general candidate questionnaire, Sept. 9, 1996. The responses on this survey were described in “Obama had greater role on liberal survey,” Politico, March 31, 2008. (http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0308/9269.html)

3. United States Senate, S. 397, vote number 217, Kennedy amendment July 29, 2005. (http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/roll_call_vote_cfm.cfm
?congress=109&session=1&vote=00217)

4. David Wright, Ursula Fahy and Sunlen Miller, "Obama: 'Common Sense Regulation' On Gun Owners' Rights," ABC News' "Political Radar" Blog, http://blogs.abcnews.com, 2/15/08. (http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/02/obama-common-se.html)

5. Illinois Senate, SB 2165, March 25, 2004, vote 20 and May 25, 2004, vote 3.

6. “Fact Check: No News In Obama's Consistent Record.” Obama ’08, December 11, 2007. (http://www.barackobama.com/factcheck/2007/12/11/fact_check_no_news
_in_obamas_c.php)

7. “Candidates' gun control positions may figure in Pa. vote,” Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Wednesday, April 2, 2008, and "Keyes, Obama Are Far Apart On Guns," Chicago Tribune,
9/15/04. (http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/s_560181.html)

8. 1998 Joyce Foundation Annual Report, p. 7.

9. “Obama and Gun Control,” The Volokh Conspiracy, taken from the Chicago Defender, Dec. 13, 1999. (http://www.volokh.com/posts/1203389334.shtml)

10. Illinois Senate, May 5, 2002, SB 1936 Con., vote 26.

11. Illinois Senate, March 25, 2003, SB 2163, vote 18.

12. “Clinton, Edwards, Obama on gun control,” Radio Iowa, Sunday, April 22, 2007. (http://learfield.typepad.com/radioiowa/2007/04/clinton_edwards.html)

13. Chicago Tribune blogs, “Barack Obama: NIU Shootings call for action,” February 15, 2008, (http://blogs.trb.com/news/politics/blog/2008/02/barack_obama
_comments_on_shoot.html)

14. Barack Obama campaign website: “As president, Barack Obama would repeal the Tiahrt Amendment . . .” (http://www.barackobama.com/issues/urbanpolicy/#crime-and-law-enforcement.)

15. Illinois Senate Debate #3: Barack Obama vs. Alan Keyes (http://www.ontheissues.org/2008/Barack_Obama_Gun_Control.htm and http://www.ontheissues.org/IL_2004_Senate_3rd.htm) Oct 21, 2004.

16. Illinois Senate, May 16, 2003, HB 2579, vote 34.

17. United States Senate vote 245, September 29, 2005 and vote 2, January 31, 2006 and Saddleback Forum, August 16, 2008.

18. Illinois Senate Judiciary Committee, March 13, 2003. To see the vote tally go to: http://www.nrapvf.org/Media/pdf/sb1195_obama.pdf.
Source: http://www.nraila.org/OBAMA/

Amazon.com to Barack: You Are a Socialist, We’ve proven it!

2008-10-24T09:52:00.001-05:00

Hunter's Rice

2008-10-22T11:59:00.001-05:00

Ingredients:
2 Cups minute style rice
1 Can chicken broth
1 Cup water
1 Green onion chopped well
1 T. Side Winder Searing Spice
4 oz. Breakfast pan sausage (browned and strained)
1 Clove Garlic minced
2 t. Cumin
1 Cup Chopped fresh mushrooms
1 t. Black pepper
Simmer broth and water with all veggies and spices for 4-5 minutes. Add rice and cooked sausage. Bring to a good rolling boil; cover and turn off heat. Allow to sit for 5-7 minutes covered. Serve hot with main dish.

From the texasgourmet.com

Gringo Guacamole

2008-10-21T11:38:00.001-05:00

Serves: 4-6
4-5 Medium to large ripe avocados
2 Roma tomatoes diced in 1/2 inch chunks
1/2 Purple onion diced small
2 lemons juiced
1 Chopped cilantro
1/3 Cup red salsa
1 Clove Garlic minced
1 Serrano pepper, seeded and diced smal
Salt & pepper to taste

Preparation:
Peel avocados, roughly chop them into a large bowl, mash with a fork. Add other ingredients and mix together. Place seeds from avocados back into the guacamole, cover with saran wrap and refrigerate until ready to serve. The guacamole will stay good for 1 full day.

from the texasgourmet.com

2008-10-21T11:32:00.000-05:00

How the Bail out works

2008-10-16T13:49:00.002-05:00

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs

I agree with this!!

2008-10-10T08:05:00.000-05:00

Proof of lawful status now required for Texas driver licenses or identification cards!!

The Effects of Gun Shows on Gun-Related Deaths

2008-10-10T08:02:00.002-05:00

A study shows the truth! Gun Related deaths actually dropped!!

Click here to Read.

Proud to be White

2008-10-10T07:55:00.002-05:00

Proud To Be White
Someone finally said it.
How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans,

Mexican Americans,
Asian Americans,
Arab Americans,
Native Americans, etc.
.....And then there are just -
Americans.

You pass me on the street
and sneer in my direction.
You Call me 'White boy,'
'Cracker,' 'Honkey,'
'Whitey,' 'Caveman,'
.....And that's OK.

But If someone calls you a Nigger,
Kike, Towel head,
Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey,
Beaner, Gook, or Chink,
.....You call them a racist?

You say that whites commit a lot
of violence against you,
so why are the ghettos the most
dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Hispanic History Month.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Asian History Month.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Kawanza.
You have the NAACP.
And you have BET.

If we had WET
(White Entertainment Television)
.....We'd be racists?

If we had a White Pride Day
.....You would call us racists.

If we had White History Month
.....We'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites
to 'advance' OUR lives,
.....We'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce,
a Black Chamber of Commerce,
and then we just have the plain
Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that?

If we had a college fund that only gave
white students scholarships
.....You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly-proclaimed
Black-only Colleges in the US,
yet if there were 'White-only Colleges'
.....THAT would be a racist college.

In the Million-Man March,
you believed that you were
marching for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights,
.....You would call us racists.

You are proud to be black,
brown, yellow and red,
and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride
.....You call us racists.

You rob us,
carjack us,
and shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer
shoots a black gang member
or beats up a black drug-dealer
who is running from the LAW and
posing a threat to ALL of society
.....You call him a racist.

I am proud.
.....But, you call me a racist.

Why is it that only
whites
can be racists?

The new Dollar

2008-10-08T12:34:00.001-05:00

The Obama Ten

2008-10-08T11:47:00.000-05:00

Public Service Announcement

2008-10-08T08:34:00.001-05:00

A Soldier's Story

2008-09-04T07:48:00.002-05:00

2008-08-28T12:18:00.002-05:00

I hates politics!!

2008-08-26T17:15:00.001-05:00

codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"
WIDTH="384" HEIGHT="304">

Things You Don't Say To Your Wife

2008-08-25T15:11:00.001-05:00

Things You Don't Say To Your Wife - Watch more free videos

Some Great Photos from our Men & Women in the Arm Forces

2008-08-06T06:53:00.000-05:00

Click here

2008-07-24T08:30:00.002-05:00

WHEN I'M 100

2008-07-24T07:07:00.001-05:00

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
Where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when
She needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
The right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up
And stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
Family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
Grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi,
Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to
The grandson, 'They won't let me fart.'

Never play with guns

2008-07-22T07:17:00.001-05:00

Wife Will Never Touch a Gun Again - Watch more free videos

7 YEARS OLD

2008-07-14T07:32:00.001-05:00

How to wake up your friend

2008-07-07T07:59:00.001-05:00

Slide Rock (Sedona, AZ)

2008-07-01T19:41:00.003-05:00

Thinking about Jumping?

And he jumps

Nice tuck, I give him an 8.5

Shamu jumping

Evan is not sure where to start

Slide Rock (Sedona, AZ)

2008-07-01T19:38:00.002-05:00

It appears Blake is picking a seat

The 25 & 40 foot Cliffs

Cowboy Dinner

2008-07-01T19:34:00.002-05:00

I wanted to buy one of these miniature bulls, but Niki would not allow it. I think he can be house broken.

Love the sign!!

HEE HAW

Out of Africa

2008-07-01T19:31:00.002-05:00

Out of Africa

2008-07-01T19:26:00.002-05:00

Lazy Lions

The Castle

2008-06-30T21:27:00.002-05:00

2008-06-30T21:21:00.001-05:00

The Grand Canyon

2008-06-30T21:14:00.003-05:00

I had to sneak in this picture cause Niki would have an anxiety attack with him so close to the edge. We live on the edge!!

Not sure what Evan is doing!

Grand Canyon

2008-06-30T21:06:00.002-05:00

2008-06-30T20:59:00.002-05:00

The Grand Canyon

2008-06-30T20:53:00.003-05:00

2008 Summer Vacation Chapter 6

2008-06-30T20:42:00.003-05:00

This is where we slept! We were told it was haunted, but I really didn't notice anything except for a voice that said, "GET OUT"!

The crash scene

Route 66

Smores by the camp fire

2008 Summer Vacation Chapter 5

2008-06-30T20:40:00.003-05:00

Meteor Crater

That's a big hole

2008-06-30T20:35:00.003-05:00

Petrified Forest

2008-06-30T20:30:00.003-05:00

2008 Summer Vacation Chapter 4

2008-06-30T20:26:00.002-05:00

2008 Summer Vacation Chapter 3

2008-06-30T20:23:00.002-05:00

2008 Summer Vacation Chapter 2

2008-06-30T20:19:00.001-05:00

2008 Summer Vacation Chapter 1

2008-06-30T20:16:00.000-05:00

From Russia

2008-06-17T08:33:00.002-05:00

The video clip is from a Russian news program. There was an accident at a coal mine and people were accused of drinking on the
job.

The interviewer is trying to see if there is any truth in the rumor.

2008-06-17T07:35:00.002-05:00

2008-06-17T07:34:00.002-05:00

2008-06-17T07:31:00.002-05:00

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

2008-06-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Police Officers

2008-06-12T11:39:00.000-05:00

You wonder why he pulled you over and gave you a ticket for speeding,
He just worked an accident where people died because they were going too fast.

You wonder why that cop was so mean,
He just got done working a case where a drunk driver killed a kid.

You work for 8 hours,
He works for up to 18 hours

You drink hot coffee to stay awake,
The cold rain in the middle of the night keeps him awake.

You complain of a 'headache', and call in sick,
He goes into work still hurt and sore from the guy he had to fight the night before.

You drink your coffee on your way to the mall,
He spills his as he runs code to a traffic crash with kids trapped inside.

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket before you leave the house,
He makes sure his gun is clean and fully loaded and his vest is tight.

You talk trash about your 'buddies' that aren't with you,
He watches his buddy get shot at, and wounded in front of him.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls,
He walks down the highway looking for body parts from a traffic crash.

You complain about how hot it is,
He wears fifty pounds of gear and a bullet proof vest in July and still runs around chasing crack heads.

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong,
He runs out before he gets his food to respond to an armed robbery.

You get out of bed in the morning and take your time getting ready,
He gets called out of bed at 2 am after working 12 hours and has to be into work A.S.A.P. for a homicide.

You go to the mall and get your hair done,
He holds the hair of some college girl while she's puking in the back of his patrol car.

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over,
His shift ended 4 hours ago and there's no end in sight.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight,
He can't make any plans because on his off days he still gets called back into work.

You yell and scream at the squad car that just passed you because they slowed you down,
He's in the driver seat of the squad car, going to cut somebody out of their car.

You roll your eyes when a baby cries in public,
He picks up a dead child in his arms and prays that it was crying.

You criticize your police dept and say they're never there quick enough,
He blasts the siren while the person in front of him refuses to move while talking on their cell phone.

You hear the jokes about fallen officers and say they should have known better,
He is a hero and runs into situations when everyone else is running away in order to make sure no one gets hurt and loses his life doing it.

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He would take a bullet for his buddy without question.

You sit there and judge him, saying that it's a waste of money to have them around,
Yet as soon as you need help he is there.

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

2008-06-03T14:36:00.001-05:00

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had
something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

2008-06-02T14:53:00.000-05:00

The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case, what they ordered was not quite what they got.

This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company before he retired.

2008-06-02T10:55:00.001-05:00

Local Bar Sues Local Church

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started a building to house
their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block
the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however, right up until the week before opening,
when a lightning strike hit the bar and burned it to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until
the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was
ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through
direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied
all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its
reply to the court.

When the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the
paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm
going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have
a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire
church congregation who doesn't.'

Gyne-obstetrician answering machine

2008-05-29T10:13:00.000-05:00

2008-05-29T06:47:00.003-05:00

Evil Cell Phone

2008-05-27T17:05:00.001-05:00

Cell Phones Are Evil - Watch more free videos

Some pics

2008-05-22T07:24:00.002-05:00

2008-05-15T06:54:00.001-05:00

Panda Sneeze Attack - Watch more free videos

A German Speed bumb

2008-05-13T10:49:00.001-05:00

We could use this in our neighborhood!

2008-05-12T10:12:00.000-05:00

2008-05-08T11:29:00.001-05:00

2008-05-08T09:28:00.000-05:00

Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times

NEWS

2008-05-08T09:16:00.002-05:00

Police: Motorcyclist flipped bird, popped wheelie, crashed

(05-05) 16:41 PDT Copiague, N.Y. (AP) --

A Long Island man who flipped his finger at a police cruiser and then popped a wheelie on his motorcycle is recovering from injuries after crashing.

Suffolk County Police said Frank Patti, 26, of West Islip, rode by the police car at a service station in Copiague at 7:30 p.m. Sunday. Police say Patti made an obscene gesture to two officers in the car, popped a wheelie and then sped away.

Police gave chase.

When the motorcycle turned into a parking lot it crashed into a police car that had joined the chase.

Police said Patti was treated for minor injuries at Southside Hospital. He's charged with fleeing police, resisting arrest and several traffic violations.

He was being held for arraignment Monday. Police did not know if he had an attorney.

Cops trap man in lie when he identifies himself as felon

(05-06) 17:06 PDT Sheboygan, Wis. (AP) --

A male who lied to Sheboygan police to hide his unpaid traffic citations almost got himself into far more serious trouble. Police said they stopped a vehicle Saturday for improper registration. One passenger identified himself to police, who ran a check on that name.

It turned out to be the name of someone who has an active felony warrant for vehicular homicide.

When the passenger found out, he quickly gave police his real name. He said he lied earlier because he has outstanding traffic fines in another state and wasn't sure whether there was a warrant out for him.

The male was arrested on an obstruction charge.

Before he was released, police verified through photos and fingerprints that he wasn't the vehicular-homicide suspect.

Students claim police chief who shot himself was careless

(05-06) 17:06 PDT RIVERDALE, Utah (AP) --

The police chief who shot himself in the ankle was waving a loaded pistol and being careless, according to two students who were attending his class to qualify for a concealed-weapons permit. "We were told the gun is the chief's personal sidearm, but it looked to me like he didn't know anything about the gun," Lewis Walker said.

Bart Ulm, another student seeking certification to carry a concealed weapon, said he was surprised Chief Dave Hansen was using a loaded gun to show how it worked.

"Right then, I was very leery, because there's no need to have live ammo in a gun in the class. But I figured he's the chief, so he must know what he's doing," Ulm told the Standard-Examiner of Ogden.

Hansen held the Glock 40 under a table to disassemble it when a bullet fired, Walker said.

The chief cried, "I'm hit," and fell over. Students who were screaming "Officer down!" were urged to call 911.

The gun went off in a conference room Saturday at Riverdale police headquarters.

Hansen was taken to McKay-Dee Hospital in Ogden for surgery and released Monday, Lt. James Ebert said.

Ebert said the findings of an internal investigation would be announced Wednesday. He declined to offer specifics but disputed the accounts of Ulm and Walker, describing the pair as "disgruntled."

Other students "did not share that feeling" about the chief, Ebert told The Associated Press.

Walker said he didn't have confidence in the investigation.

"I think Riverdale police are just trying to keep this quiet and act like the chief is a hero. But if you ask me, he's really stupid," Walker said. "His state certification to teach concealed-weapons classes should be taken away from him. This was totally gross negligence."

Ulm said there was a moment of levity during the emergency.

He said an officer at the scene joked that "instead of shooting himself, he should have used the Taser."

2008-05-07T12:52:00.001-05:00

NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

If you like Hockey

2008-05-07T12:29:00.002-05:00

NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

2008-05-07T12:27:00.001-05:00

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists

2008-05-07T12:21:00.001-05:00

Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High-Pitched Death After Helium Leak

A real Brainiac

2008-05-07T12:11:00.003-05:00

Pot of Gold?

2008-05-06T12:50:00.002-05:00

Be on the look out for this possibly Gay terrorist

2008-05-06T12:49:00.002-05:00

2008-05-06T12:47:00.000-05:00

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................

So I took her to a gas station!!

Wow He is good

2008-05-06T12:22:00.002-05:00

2008-05-06T12:21:00.002-05:00

I forgot to post this yesterday

2008-05-06T12:14:00.002-05:00

2008-05-06T12:12:00.002-05:00

It will not start!! Make it start!!

2008-05-06T12:10:00.001-05:00

Farting in the Womens Bathroom - Watch more free videos

Fail

2008-05-05T08:23:00.001-05:00

Fail - Watch more free videos

Wheelchair Backflip

2008-05-05T08:15:00.001-05:00

This kid is awesome!!

Politician

2008-05-05T08:09:00.002-05:00

Moody Airmen rescue Cuban migrants found at sea

2008-05-05T07:38:00.001-05:00

LINK

Look at these Idiots

2008-05-05T07:22:00.001-05:00

Check this out!

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

2008-05-05T07:15:00.000-05:00

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" .... that will bring on a "whatever").

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F___ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

2008-05-02T11:44:00.000-05:00

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the on ly skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone wi th his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

Forbes Fictional 15

2008-05-02T07:38:00.002-05:00

Forbes list of the 15 richest fictional characters:

The current list:

The list in 2002:

Winning the Lottery

2008-05-01T09:31:00.001-05:00

Brady Bunch

2008-05-01T08:10:00.000-05:00

Expensive Santa Cruz Mountains search finds stoned teen

2008-05-01T07:27:00.003-05:00

(04-30) 05:28 PDT Santa Cruz, CA (AP) --

A mother's frantic 911 plea for help finding her injured teen son lost in the Santa Cruz Mountains led to an expensive search that ended with rescuers locating the youth stoned on drugs.

Eighteen-year-old Matthew Rosenberg had used his cellular telephone Monday night to call his mom and tell her he tripped, broke his leg and was lost.

But Cal Fire Capt. Bill Finch says the Los Gatos High School senior didn't break his leg, adding the teen had apparently swallowed hallucinogenic mushrooms, possibly dropped some acid and just "thought" his leg was broken.

Finch says the teen "was really gorked" when rescuers found him standing at the bottom of a ravine. The cost of the search was estimated at up to $10,000.

The teen's father Mark Rosenberg says the boy will be punished, adding "he probably won't get to use the car for a while."

I hope the parents get to pay the search cost.

And I'm so thrilled the father will take away the car! Give me a break

2008-05-01T07:19:00.000-05:00

2008-05-01T07:18:00.002-05:00

2008-05-01T07:18:00.001-05:00

Cant touch this

2008-04-29T15:23:00.001-05:00

Colonoscopy

2008-04-29T11:55:00.001-05:00

Legally blind man teaches alleged intruder a lesson

2008-04-28T07:55:00.001-05:00

(04-24) 14:54 PDT INDIANAPOLIS, (AP) --

A legally blind man beat up an intruder and held him at knifepoint until police arrived at the man's eastside home, authorities said. Allan Kieta, 49, told police he was at home Monday morning when his small dog began barking and he encountered the man.

"I opened the door and just ran into him. I had him pinned in the laundry room and just kept pummeling," said Kieta, a former wrestler in high school.

He said he grabbed the intruder by the belt and dragged him into the kitchen, where he put a knife at the man's throat and tried to dial 911.

"Being visually impaired, I couldn't get the buttons because I was using my left hand," he said. "It took me about 20 tries."

Police arrived within minutes and arrested Alvaro Castro, 25, on an initial charge of residential entry, Sgt. Matthew Mount said.

Lt. Jeff Duhamell was impressed with Kieta's feat.

"Its pretty remarkable for anyone thats blind to be able to defend themselves, let alone make an apprehension," Duhamell said. "To be able to grab this guy and hold him down until police got there is pretty remarkable."

Castro, who was initially taken to the Wishard Memorial Hospital detention facility, denied trying to burglarize the home and said he was a former boyfriend of Kieta's daughter and was trying to visit her, said Mount.

Kieta said Castro told him he was looking for his cat.

"I go, 'Your cat? You're in my house!'" Kieta recalled.

Castro was transferred to the Marion County Jail on Monday night.

Kieta said he suffered swollen hands and a sore back, but no serious injuries.

"When my wife was cleaning the blood off, she said, 'I think it's all his,'" Kieta said.

I really like this guy!!

Carjacker stops to ask TV news crew for directions

2008-04-28T07:54:00.002-05:00

(04-24) 20:58 PDT CLEVELAND, (AP) --

A carjacking suspect stopped during the crime to ask a television news crew for directions, police said.

The 19-year-old was arraigned Thursday on a charge of aggravated robbery and ordered held on $50,000 bond.

WOIO-TV newswoman Shannon O'Brien and photographer Eric Walls were doing a sidewalk report Monday on bank problems when the passenger in a car asked for directions to a bank. The driver signaled that he was being held at gunpoint, O'Brien told police.

The news crew called police and followed the car until officers caught up. Police Lt. Thomas Stacho said the suspect was carrying a loaded handgun.

FAIL

2008-04-28T07:51:00.000-05:00

300-pound inmate complains Ark. jail doesn't feed him well

(04-28) 04:37 PDT Bentonville, Ark. (AP) --

An inmate awaiting trial on a murder charge is suing the county, complaining he has lost more than 100 pounds because of the jailhouse menu.

Broderick Lloyd Laswell says he isn't happy that he's down to 308 pounds after eight months in the Benton County jail. He has filed a federal lawsuit complaining the jail doesn't provide inmates with enough food.

According to the suit, Laswell weighed 413 pounds when he was jailed in September. Police say he and a co-defendant fatally beat and stabbed a man, then set his home on fire.

"On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out," Laswell wrote in his complaint. "About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again."

But Laswell then goes on to complain that he undertakes little vigorous activity.

"If we are in a small pod all day (and) do next to nothing for physical exercise, we should not lose weight," the suit says. "The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally being starved to death."

The suit also asks that the county be ordered to serve hot meals. The jail has served only cold food for years.

The meals, provided through Aramark Correctional Institution Services, average 3,000 calories a day, jail Capt. Hunter Petray told The Morning News of northwest Arkansas for a story Saturday.

A typical Western diet consists of 2,000 to 3,000 calories a day.

Laswell's suit was filed without a lawyer in U.S. District Court in Fayetteville.

Well bless his little heart!!